I am an expert on negative thoughts. They have dominated my mind and influenced my emotions for most of my life. I often believe them so strongly that challenging them seems like an impossible task.
However, I have learned a four-step process that helps me challenge those negative thoughts. I hope it helps you too.
The legend of the two wolves
Perhaps you’ve heard the Cherokee legend about two wolves. This is one version of it, which I found here:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
The question we all need to ask ourselves is which wolf we are feeding. While I wouldn’t call the first wolf evil, it is definitely a source of misery. When we feed it, we usually treat ourselves and others badly.
I have given a lot more food to the first wolf than the second one lately, and I know I need to change that. I want to experience the emotions and take the actions made possible by feeding the second wolf, and I’m guessing you do too.
So what can we do to change our negative thoughts? Here is the four-step process that I find helpful.
The first step is to notice our negative thoughts
We usually aren’t conscious of our thoughts, which makes it impossible to change them. If we pay close attention to them, though, we are likely to notice some negative thoughts we have repeatedly.
These can be harsh self-judgments like “I’m stupid” or “I’m a failure,” or other overly broad generalizations like “Things will always be this bad.” Negative thoughts like those are often referred to as “cognitive distortions.” You can find a detailed explanation and examples of the different kinds of cognitive distortions here.
When you notice negative thoughts, write them down. That is the first step towards changing them.
Evaluate the truth of each thought
Once you’ve identified your negative thoughts, examine them one at a time. Ask yourself questions like:
Is this thought accurate?
What evidence supports this thought?
What evidence disproves it?
How does this thought influence my emotions and behavior?
It can be helpful to identify which type of cognitive distortion your negative thought is. Look at the list linked above and see if it fits the description of one or more of the most common distortions.
Write down the reasons you think a particular thought and also a list of reasons why it might not be true. For instance, if your thought is “I’m a failure,” write down examples of past achievements or people you have helped in some way.
No one has literally failed at everything they’ve ever tried or never done a single thing that made a positive difference in someone else’s life!
Think of a more positive thought you also believe
This is where it gets tricky. The common advice to say and write positive affirmations rarely works for me because I don’t believe them. For instance, one of my many negative thoughts these days is that I’ll never earn enough as a writer to cover my basic living expenses, let alone take vacations or do other things I enjoy that cost money.
If I tried to replace that thought with something like “If you work hard, success is guaranteed,” or “If you believe in yourself, you can achieve anything” it wouldn’t work. Why? Because I know hard-working people who don’t earn enough to support themselves, or who were sure their business would succeed but it didn’t.
What I try to do instead is tell myself something more neutral or encouraging that I do believe. In this case, I challenge that negative thought with statements like “The only way to find out is to keep trying,” or “Maybe not, but it seems like the most promising possibility right now, and I enjoy writing.”
Can you think of a statement you could use to counter a negative thought that is causing unwanted effects in your life?
Post the new statement and repeat it often
Once you come up with a more positive alternative to your negative thought, you need to remind yourself of it as often as possible. Post it on your bathroom mirror, on the wall near your bed, and/or on your refrigerator. Say it out loud or to yourself repeatedly, especially as you are falling asleep. Write it in your journal.
It will take time and effort to retrain your brain to focus on the new thought instead of the negative one. We all tend to stick with what is familiar and feels natural, and that is true of our thoughts too. We will unconsciously default to the negative thought we are used to, which is why it is so important to make a conscious decision to shift our attention to the new one at every opportunity.
Conclusion
I would love to know what you think of this process. If you’ve tried it or a similar approach, did it help you notice and challenge your negative thoughts? Were you able to replace a negative thought with a more positive or neutral one?
If you’ve never tried something like this, do you think it would work for you? Why or why not? Have you found another way to deal with your negative thoughts?
Please share your experience with negative thoughts, how they affect you, and what helps you handle them.