How I Lost My Religion and Gained Spirituality
My journey from pastor to "spiritual but not religious"
I knew in high school that I was going to be a pastor. I went to college, then seminary, and was ordained a pastor in 1998. What I didn’t know then was that, decades later, I would give up my career as a pastor and my Christian beliefs to more fully embrace my authentic spirituality.
Christian Beliefs I’ve Rejected
Even the most progressive Christian beliefs eventually became too limiting for me to preach and teach in good conscience. I don’t think any religion - or person - can fully know or describe the Divine Mystery. Whatever we believe or teach about God (or any other name or descriptor we use to refer to the Divine) is, at best, a partial truth.
That includes my beliefs as well as these classic Christian beliefs I’ve rejected.
Baptism as a requirement to belong to God’s family
The baptismal liturgy includes the words, “We welcome you into God’s family.” I see every human as part of an interconnected Divine family, whether or not they are baptized or worship a deity.
I believe that, in Valarie Kaur’s words, “you are a part of me I do not yet know.” And I believe that all living things, not just humans, are included in that Divine family.
“Believe” isn’t quite the right word; perhaps “sense” is better. It’s an intuitive knowing that has been reinforced through personal experiences. I have felt deep spiritual connections with great blue herons and other wild animals as we’ve looked into each other’s eyes. I have experienced a unity, a communion of souls that I can’t explain, when I’ve been one of 10,000+ people at Bruce Springsteen concerts.
Words can’t do justice to this reality, but I appreciate Rami M. Shapiro’s attempt to. In his book Recovery—The Sacred Art, he writes:
Humans experience themselves, their thoughts, and feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of their consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us … Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of love and compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
Baptism as the key to forgiveness for original sin
“Original sin” is the Christian teaching that we are all born sinful and can’t do enough good to make up for that. Only Jesus, through his death and resurrection, can save us.
The baptismal liturgy I used as a pastor had language like this: “In Holy Baptism, God liberates us from sin and death by joining us to the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. Born children of a fallen humanity, in the baptismal waters we become God’s reborn children and inherit eternal life.” (Source: Bethel Lutheran Church website; emphasis mine)
One problem with the doctrine of original sin is that it blames a woman for bringing sin into a previously perfect world. Eve, the first woman God creates according to the Bible, eats fruit (contrary to popular belief, the Bible does not identify the fruit as an apple) from the one tree God has declared off limits: the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
She then gives some to Adam (the first man), and God punishes them for eating it. The Bible tells this story in Genesis 2:5 - 3:24. Part of Eve’s punishment is that “in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16; emphasis mine).
It’s not hard to see how this story has been used throughout history to justify male dominance - including domestic violence and marital rape - and blame women for “tempting” men to sin.
While I’ve never been a submissive wife or hesitated to report pastors who sexually harassed me, I believed that we are all born into sin and cannot save ourselves for most of my life. I also accepted that, even in my progressive denomination (ELCA Lutheran), male pastors would be paid more than women in similar positions and be more likely than women to be senior pastors.
Worst of all, I internalized as a teenager the belief that it was my responsibility to set sexual boundaries (since males couldn’t control their lust and females only tolerated sex to please males). I was also taught that no man would marry me unless I was a virgin. My dad explained it this way: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” He and my brother also decorated the car my husband and I drove away in with phrases like “her day, his night.”
Females are taught that sex is dirty and morally wrong. We’re also taught that it’s a special gift we should only give to the man we love enough to marry. No wonder so many women feel ashamed of their sexual desires and afraid to express them!
In the Barbie movie, America Ferrera delivers a powerful monologue about the impossible demands placed on women. It includes these lines, as quoted here:
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
Those unreasonable expectations are in large part due to patriarchal religious teachings like the doctrine of original sin.
Jesus’ death and resurrection as our salvation
Since humans are born in sin and can’t free ourselves, we need someone to save us from going to hell when we die as punishment for that sin. Jesus fulfills the role of Savior in classic Christian theology. He pays the price for humanity’s sin and becomes our Savior through his death on the cross and resurrection to eternal life. Everyone who “accepts Jesus Christ as Lord” is “saved.”
Progressive Christians tend to believe that a loving, forgiving God would not condemn anyone to hell, regardless of their faith (or lack of it). Many believe (as I do), that hell as a place of eternal damnation does not exist.
However, progressive Christians (with a few notable exceptions) still worship Jesus as Lord. He remains the Savior whose death and resurrection make eternal life possible for all people. Their worship services still include Holy Communion; participants receive a piece of bread that is “the body of Christ, given for you” and wine or grape juice which is “the blood of Christ, shed for you.”
The Spirituality I’ve Embraced
Until recently, I considered myself a progressive Christian. I still worship at Celebration Church Cypress because I find parts of the service spiritually nourishing, have close friends there, and love its welcome statement (which we read at the start of each worship service):
Welcome to long-time Lutherans, Christians from every tradition, and people new to the faith. Welcome to all who have no church home, want to follow Christ, have doubts or do not believe. Welcome to people of every age and size, color and culture, marital status, ability, disability, and challenge. Welcome to people of all sexual orientations, gender identities and gender expressions.
We commit ourselves to embracing racial equity, social and economic justice, and environmental care.
Welcome to believers, questioners, and questioning believers. This is a place where you are welcome to: celebrate and struggle, rejoice and recover. This is a place where lives are made new.
I just no longer see Jesus as the only Son of God or believe that his death and resurrection somehow “save” me.
Jesus follower, not worshipper
I now call myself a “Jesus follower.” I see him as a wise spiritual guide and role model. He taught and demonstrated unconditional love for all people, even his enemies (and the close friends who betrayed him). His willingness to die rather than resort to or justify violence is admirable. I appreciate his treatment of women, children, and other marginalized people as equals worthy of love and healing.
I seek to follow Jesus’ example, but I no longer worship him. I believe that Jesus is one of many wise spiritual guides; others I admire include the Dalai Lama, the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Mary Magdalene, Hildegard of Bingen, Valarie Kaur, and Pema Chödrön.
I previously wrote about what the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu can teach us about joy:
Spiritual experiences can happen anywhere
As noted above, I know intuitively that every living thing is part of an interconnected Divine family. I also know that the distinctions between sacred and secular are artificial ones created by humans. The reality is that, as Rob Bell aptly titled one of his books, Everything Is Spiritual.
I’ve had spiritual experiences while journaling, taking a bath, walking in the park, visiting art galleries or museums, and attending concerts. The Divine exists in and all around us in every moment. We are often unaware of its presence because we’ve been conditioned to expect to encounter it only in houses of worship or other sacred sites.
Sexuality is a Divine gift
Christianity has described “the flesh” as corrupt and “the spirit” as pure. It has separated the material world from the spiritual realm. It has taught that sexual intercourse is only acceptable in cisgender heterosexual marriages. It has taught that the primary purpose of sexual intercourse is (or should be) procreation, not pleasure.
Not all Christians believe or have taught these things, of course. Nadia Bolz-Weber’s Shameless book presents a healthier view of sexuality. As Glennon Doyle wrote, “Nadia Bolz-Weber returns to readers the gift toxic religion and consumer culture stole: the gift of sexuality.”
Organizations like Reconciling Works and Open and Affirming advocate for and with the LGBTQ+ community and offer searchable databases of congregations that have publicly committed to fully welcoming and including LGBTQ+ members.
I believe that sexuality, like other gifts, can be (and has been) misused. That misuse does not negate the value of the gift or make it wrong for others to receive the gift with gratitude and enjoy using it.
Conclusion
Any human name for or description of the Divine is inadequate. We each experience and embody Divine Love and Wisdom in different ways. We can talk about and live out our spirituality as we see fit, as long as our beliefs and practices don’t harm other beings.
I have led spirituality groups with participants who identified as pagans, witches, and “recovering” Catholics. I’ve also led Christian groups, including two discussions of Brian McLaren’s Do I Stay Christian? book.
I also offer 1:1 coaching via Zoom for people navigating difficult transitions, some of which include questioning or rejecting long-standing religious beliefs and embracing new ones. If you want support as you explore your spirituality or deal with friends and family who refuse to respect your beliefs, let’s talk!
This month’s live Zoom gathering for paid subscribers is on Sunday, April 12 from 1 - 2 PM Central (CDT). We’ll discuss spirituality and current events. I look forward to hearing about your beliefs and experiences there or in the comments here.
Note: To reduce spam and keep out trolls, only paid subscribers can comment on this post.
If you’re not a paid subscriber yet, now’s a great time to join and help create an authentic, inclusive, and supportive online community. For less than the price of a fast-food lunch, you can nourish your soul!