How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Helps Me Handle Conflicts Between Residents of My Inner World
This journal excerpt shows how IFS can help you understand mixed emotions and calm anxious thoughts
Did you have show and tell days at school where each student brought an item and explained its significance in their life? My item today is Internal Family Systems (IFS). It’s an incredibly helpful tool I use to understand and resolve inner conflicts that you may want to try.
Since you may not know what IFS is, I’ll tell you before I show you. This explanation is from the IFS Institute's site:
IFS is a transformative tool that conceives every human being as a system of protective and wounded inner parts led by a core Self. We believe the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing. Just like members of a family, inner parts are forced from their valuable states into extreme roles within us. Self is in everyone. It can’t be damaged. It knows how to heal.
Now, on to the show.
This is a conversation between three voices within me I’ve called “Adult Me” (AM), “Inner Critic” (IC), and “Little Me” (LM). “Adult Me” is what IFS would call the core Self. This conversation flowed spontaneously, and I wrote it in my journal as it occurred.
AM: IC, You’ve been very mean to LM lately. How come?
IC: Because she’s weak. She’s a crybaby. Her feelings get hurt so easily. How can you expect to survive in this world with a weakling like that who bursts into tears at a moment’s notice? You can’t trust her. You’ll be laughed at if you let her out.
AM: There are some people who might laugh at her and think she’s weak. Why is that such a bad thing?
IC: Because you’ll be opening yourself up to more hurt. No one will take you seriously or respect you. You’ll be ridiculed. You have to hide her. It’s for her own good as well as yours.
AM: I understand your concerns. But I also love LM and don’t want her to feel bad or unwanted. I want to listen to her, too, and help her be happier. Then she won’t cry as much. What do you think about that?
IC: I think it’s a terrible idea. Any crying is too much. It doesn’t change anything and just makes you feel worse. It’s much safer to not let things upset you, but she’s incapable of that.
AM: LM, what’s it like for you when IC says those things? What do you want me to do?
LM: I want you to make him stop. He’s so mean to me. He doesn’t like me at all. He’s a bully, always trying to tell me what to do and make me be quiet. I hate him.
AM: I can understand why you hate him. He is mean. IC, why are you so mean?
IC: Because other people are mean. You think I’m bad? Just listen to the things they say. I’m trying to show you what will happen if you let them see you cry or get mad. I’m trying to protect you from getting hurt again. The only way I can do that is to ridicule her and convince her it’s not safe to come out. The world is a cruel place full of people who don’t really care about her. They just want to use her.
AM: There are definitely some cruel people in the world who say and do terrible things. I appreciate that you’re trying to keep me from being hurt by them. But I want LM to come out, no matter what happens. Some people might be mean to her, but other people love her and want to hear more from her. They listen with compassion and try to comfort her. My husband Steve is like that. He is kind and doesn’t condemn or reject her when she cries or gets mad. I have good friends who are nice to her, too, and care about her feelings. I want her to know it’s okay to feel however she feels and that I and the most important people in my life now love her no matter what and she can trust us to be kind.
IC: Can she really? If you can’t stop me from being mean to her, how are you going to stop other people? Don’t you see that the world is not safe for her and you can’t protect her? Sure, some people love her and try to comfort her when she’s sad and tell her she’s good when she feels bad, but not everyone does. She’s been hurt enough already. She feels everything so deeply and is in so much emotional pain because of that. Isn’t it better to keep her quiet and teach her to hide her feelings so no one will know when she’s upset and mock her, or pretend to care but criticize her behind her back and think she’s too sensitive?
AM: No, it’s not. I’ve done that many times, and it doesn’t work. It just adds to her pain, and I feel guilty for being mean to her and ignoring her needs so I can look good and impress other people with how well I’m handling life’s challenges. I’m tired of pretending to be confident and strong and unaffected by anything other people say. It doesn’t help me feel better. It actually makes me feel worse and weak and dishonest.
IC: Suit yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I think you’re making a big mistake, and you’ll be sorry.
AM: I understand your concerns, and I know you mean well. But I want to listen to Little Me now, and let her tell me how she feels about what you’ve said and what she needs from me. She’s important to me, too, and I can’t be happy if I reject or neglect her. She’s part of me, and I love her very much. She is ready to come out of hiding and tell the truth, and I want her to know I will do everything I can to protect her from the mean people and that she is wonderful just the way she is no matter what they say.
Little Me, it’s your turn to talk. I know you’re scared, and I’m sorry I haven’t always been there for you. I promise I will listen to you now, and do my best to be more compassionate and understanding when you’re upset. Please don’t think I want you to go away or hide. I really do love you and want you in my life and want you to feel safe with me.
LM: It feels good to hear you say that, but you’ve said it before and then gone back to pushing me away and letting the mean guy bully me. I don’t know if I can trust you. I’m scared and I don’t want to get hurt again.
AM: That makes sense. It’s smart of you to be careful and hide when you’re scared. And you’re right, I have been kind to you at times and then ignored you again and let the mean guy put you down and tell you to stop crying because no one wants to hear it and you’re overreacting. I sometimes get intimidated by the mean guy, too, and start to believe him. I get scared, too, and don’t want to risk letting other people know that. But I’m stronger and wiser and better able to deal with mean people. I’m trying to help the mean guy see that he’s not protecting you or me, he’s making us feel worse and keeping us from being happy. He doesn’t believe that yet, and sometimes he still convinces me that he’s right and I’m wrong.
But I want you to know that I love you no matter what and I’m actually really proud of you for expressing your thoughts and feelings more openly now. It’s very brave of you to talk to me and trust me even though I’ve been mean to you before and not paid enough attention to you. I think it’s wonderful that you care so much about people and animals that you feel sad when you can tell they are hurting and want to help them. It’s good and healthy to feel sad and mad when people hurt you, too. There’s nothing wrong with crying, even if other people see you cry. If they don’t like it, they are the ones with the problem, not you.
You are deeply affected by other people’s feelings, and it’s good that you are sensitive and notice and care how they feel. It’s good that you want them to be happy. I want you to be happy too, though, even if that means saying or doing things that other people don’t like or tell you are wrong or bad. Your feelings are more important to me than theirs. You don’t have to be afraid of how they will react and do whatever they say anymore. I will stand up for you, and I am capable of doing that now. I hope you will keep being brave and honest, and I will do everything I can to reassure you when you’re scared and comfort you when you’re sad, and remind you it’s okay and safe to be mad, too.
None of your feelings are bad or wrong, and neither are you. I hope you always remember that, and I’ll try to remind you if you forget. Will you tell me when you don’t feel safe and need me to listen to you and tell you I love you and give you a hug and let you sit on my lap? I really do want you to.
LM: I want that too, so I’ll try. You have been nicer to me lately, and I like that.
AM: I like it, too.
I hope these words inspire you to talk with one or more of your parts. I’ve gained valuable insights about myself and my inner conflicts thanks to conversations like this one.
IFS creator Dr. Richard Schwartz has written several books about it. One of them, No Bad Parts, includes exercises to help you get to know your parts and the roles they play. That book is on the top five list in my mental health bookshop.
Important Note: My first exposure to IFS was in therapy with a mental health professional who specialized in it.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about and experiences with IFS! To keep the comment section as safe, supportive, and spam-free as possible, only paid subscribers can comment here. But anyone can share their thoughts on Notes. To do that, click the arrow circle icon, choose “restack with a note” on the dropdown menu, and add your comment.
I love IFS and have benefitted from it tremendously.
Your conversation with Little Me and Inner Critic is so helpful. I hope a lot of people give this a try. It really is as simple as that ... just allowing the conversation to happen naturally.
Of course, learning more about IFS is helpful too. But the simplicity of it is amazing. And free. And available to anyone who is open to trying it.
Maybe it's helpful to know that the Self (Adult Me, as you've illustrated it) has certain universal qualities — calm, clarity, compassion, confidence, curiosity, courage, connectedness and creativity. So it helps me to "put on," or tune into, some of those qualities as I get started.
I don't know IFS but have learned definitely a lot about my Inner Critic and Little Me in therapy. I have also learned in Therapy how important it is to develop my Nurturing Self to dialogue with my Inner Critic, and Little Me in a supportive manner. Laura Maakestad Sullivan