How Suicide Has Affected My Life

In honor of Suicide Prevention Month

I know what it’s like to be in the grip of a severe depression and believe that death is the only way to escape unbearable emotional pain, because I’ve been there more than once. I now write and speak about my mental health journey because I want others who feel hopeless to know they’re not alone and help is available.

I also know how devastating a death by suicide is to the loved ones left behind. My mom’s dad died by suicide when mom was ten years old. Mom’s younger sister found his body.

In my former career as a pastor, I met with a man years after his loved one had died by suicide. He wept as he discussed his memories of that day and its ongoing impact on his life. I also provided pastoral care to the parents of and led the memorial service for a young adult whose death was presumed to be a suicide.

All of these experiences have made me passionate about suicide prevention. I want people who are desperate enough to consider death by suicide to get the help they need. I want them and their loved ones to know how and where to get that help before it’s too late. And I want to reduce the stigma associated with needing that help by sharing my story as widely as possible.

I’ve published a weekly mental health newsletter for more than two years now to help me do that. I also speak at mental health events. I share the resources and practices that have helped me and many others cope with and recover from mental health challenges, including suicidal ideation.

One of those resources is the information about mental health conditions and free in-person and online support groups available on NAMI’s website.

Another is the 988 crisis line accessible 24/7 via call or text in the United States. The 988lifeline.org site also offers 24/7 live chat and lots of other helpful resources. People in other countries can use this site to find a helpline.

Here are some additional suggestions based on my experience of living with depression and wanting to die:

1. Don’t tell someone contemplating death by suicide that their life is good compared to others and their emotional pain is not warranted. When I was severely depressed, well-meaning loved ones reminded me that other people’s lives were worse than mine. They said I should be grateful for what I had. They told me my fears about the future were unrealistic worst case scenarios. Statements like that only added to the shame I felt. Knowing that others had bigger problems didn’t make it any easier to cope with mine.
   

2. Know the risk factors and warning signs associated with suicide and plan what you’ll do if you or a loved one needs immediate help in advance. If at all possible, see a medical and/or mental health professional long before you reach that point. When I needed help ASAP, I had few options and received care that did more harm than good. I eventually found an ideal provider, but could have saved myself a lot of suffering (and money) if I had started looking for one a lot earlier than I did.
   

3. Don’t expect medications or counseling to be miracle cures. Both have been enormously helpful for me, but I didn’t instantly feel happy after taking a pill or seeing a therapist. I had to work hard to become aware of and challenge negative core beliefs about myself and other cognitive distortions. I had to consistently use practices like tapping to reduce my anxiety. I had to think and talk about painful experiences and how they had affected me. I had to uncover and release buried emotions I didn’t want to feel. I had to walk in the park, listen to music, and do other enjoyable activities I had stopped doing.
   

4. See recovery as an ongoing journey, not a destination. It’s unreasonable to expect to never feel anxious or depressed again once you’ve made it through a difficult time and feel better. No one experiences joy and peace every minute of every day no matter what happens. I’ve made remarkable progress and am much calmer and happier now. But I still have negative thought spirals and emotional meltdowns sometimes. I just no longer see them as proof that I’m a hopeless case or would be better off dead. They also don’t happen as often or last as long as they used to, and I know how to get out of them when they do.