If Your Life Is Hard, That Could Mean You're Doing It Right
A new perspective that helped me feel better about my hard life may help you, too
Glennon Doyle, best-selling author and host of the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast, is an amazing woman I deeply admire. Her books have been incredibly helpful to me on my mental health journey. My favorite one is Untamed.* I have highlighted so many passages in it that I had a hard time deciding which ones to quote in this post. Here’s one that I especially love:
If you are uncomfortable — in deep pain, angry, yearning, confused — you don’t have a problem, you have a life. Being human is not hard because you’re doing it wrong, it’s hard because you’re doing it right. You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy.
The more I thought about it, the more I could see the truth of that statement. Whenever I write about the most painful and difficult parts of my life and my struggles to cope with them, I hear from readers who can relate and are grateful for my willingness to share those experiences.
They appreciate my honesty and tell me about the difficult circumstances they are dealing with. They say that it helps to know they’re not alone and that it’s okay to acknowledge the messy realities of life.
I sometimes believe that others handle hard times much better than I do. My challenges seem minor compared to theirs, but they seem to cope with theirs better than I cope with mine.
But I suspect that if I spent every waking moment with them, I would discover that they don’t always handle things as well as I thought they did. I’d probably see them sob, scream, or vent other painful emotions they don’t express publicly.
Anyone who claims to have a wonderful life without any strained relationships, devastating losses, or other challenges is lying. Either they are in denial and lying to themselves, or they are pretending to be fine and hiding the truth from everyone else. No one has an ideal, stress-free life every minute of every day.
And as much as I sometimes wish I did have that ideal life, I think it would ultimately prove unsatisfying. Real life, even when it’s messy and full of unplanned and unwanted detours, seems preferable to a monotonous life with no unexpected changes.
Hard times teach us valuable lessons that help us understand ourselves and what we truly want. They help us discover reservoirs of courage and strength we didn’t know we had. They lead to deeper, more meaningful connections with others who are also struggling.
So if you’re currently going through a hard time and/or have experienced many hard times throughout your life, there’s nothing wrong with you. Glennon Doyle expresses that truth beautifully in Untamed*:
The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that there was something wrong with me. I quit spending my life trying to control myself and began to trust myself. We only control what we don’t trust. We can either control our selves or love our selves, but we can’t do both. …
We are all so fucked up and so magical. Life is so brutal and beautiful. Life is brutiful. For all of us.
***Note: This post may contain links with asterisks (*) after them. Those are affiliate links. Any purchases you make using those links will help financially support my work. My affiliate links are always to items I would recommend anyway.***
P.S. If you could use additional support to help you get through a hard time, please check out the resources on my website. You can also schedule a free phone call to discuss your challenges with me privately.