Love Lessons From 35 Years of Marriage
What my marriage has taught me that may help you
I mostly write and speak about self-love, because the quality of our other relationships depends on our ability to love ourselves. But as my husband Steve and I near our 35th anniversary, I thought I’d share the “secrets” that have helped us stay (mostly) happily married and may help other couples.
It’s worth noting that both of us are children of divorced parents, which significantly increases the odds of divorce. As an article in Psychology Today noted:
The statistics vary, but one study by researchers Paul Amato and Danelle Deboer indicated that if a woman’s parents divorced, her odds of divorce increased 69%, while if both a husband and wife’s parents divorced, the risk of divorce increased by 189%. They cite 10 other longitudinal studies over 20 years that reached similar results.
What has enabled our marriage to thrive despite the fact that neither of us grew up with good role models for healthy, loving relationships? First, we’ve each benefitted from individual therapy (and a few joint sessions) over the years. Second, our premarital counseling included conversations about how our parents’ unhappy marriages and the roles we played in our families had affected us. When we catch ourselves defaulting to communication styles and behavior patterns we learned from our parents and don’t want to repeat, we acknowledge and address that reality.
MARRIAGE is a helpful acronym for what has helped us create and sustain a relatively healthy, happy relationship and may help you do the same.
M = Mutuality. Steve and I discuss major purchases and other big decisions before making them and listen to each other’s concerns. In his words, “the criteria to make a decision is always love.” We also share household responsibilities (he cooks, I do the dishes and grocery shopping, and we each do our own laundry). We have a joint checking account.
A = Acceptance. We accept each other as we are - well-intentioned but imperfect humans who will sometimes annoy or hurt each other. Although I have an occasional (okay, frequent) tendency to offer helpful suggestions (a.k.a. unsolicited advice), we’ve been together long enough to know that we can’t change each other. We can only change our responses to behaviors we don’t like and the stories we tell ourselves about what those actions mean.
R = Respect. We can (and do!) disagree about lots of things. These things range from the trivial (how the dishes should be loaded into the dishwasher) to the important (how much I should spend on Bruce Springsteen concert tickets). What matters most is not what we disagree about, but how we disagree. We do our best to listen to each other’s point of view respectfully, and when we don’t we apologize later, after we’ve calmed down.
R = Responsiveness to each others’ needs. When one of us is sick, the other does more than usual around the house, goes to pick up medications, or provides care in other ways. When I don’t feel safe driving at night, Steve drives; when he wants to enjoy a beer with his meal, I drive home.
I = Interest. We ask and genuinely want to know how each other’s day was. We discuss our opinions about current events and our hopes for the future. We share our thoughts and feelings knowing that the other is interested in whatever is on our mind or heart.
A = Accommodation of each other’s desires. When one of us wants to do something that the other is not enthused about, we jointly decide whether it’s better to do it together, for the one who is excited to do it alone, or to do something else that we both enjoy instead. As Steve puts it, we have chosen to prioritize “we” over “me,” so if an event or activity is important to one of us, the other may choose to do something they wouldn’t have on their own.
G = Grace. We recognize that we are both well-intentioned but imperfect humans and will sometimes annoy or hurt each other. We acknowledge the pain we’ve caused, apologize, and forgive each other for words said in anger.
E =Expressions of affection. We say “I love you” multiple times a day. We call each other “my sweet” or “my love.” We hold hands in public. We snuggle with my head on his chest each night. As Steve put it, “It’s easier to keep warm when there are two bodies instead of only one.” I think he meant that figuratively, because my hands are usually cold enough that he says things like, “What did you do? Put them in the freezer?”
These are the “secrets” that have helped Steve and me stay happily together. I’d love to hear your “secrets” to a happy marriage or other long-term relationship.
I normally limit comments to paid subscribers (to limit spam and trolls), but anyone is welcome to comment on this post.
P.S. If you’re in a relationship that is not happy or are dealing with the aftermath of one that ended badly and could use some extra support, I offer 1:1 coaching via Zoom. The initial 30 minute call is free, so please reach out if you want to talk with me privately about your specific situation.
Love this. Thank you for spreading the good news about marriage. My husband Steve and I are also happily married!
This is a really beautiful example of not only a long marriage but winning in spite of the odds. Congratulations to you.