Self-Love Is a Never-Ending Journey

Insights from my self-love journey that may make yours easier

Image credit: Wendi Gordon, created in Canva

This is the inside story of my ongoing self-love journey, what I have learned along the way, and the steps I continue to take to remind myself that I am lovable. I’m sharing it because I know that my struggle to love myself is far from unique and because the things that have helped me on my journey may help others on theirs.

A few years ago, my therapist asked me to say “I am lovable” during a session. I couldn’t do it. What I said instead was, “I guess I must be lovable, because my husband loves me.”

After that session, I went home and created the image above to reinforce the belief that I was lovable. I taped copies of it on my bedroom wall and bathroom mirror to guarantee that I would see the image multiple times a day.

And to guarantee that no one else except my husband would see it. If you had told me then that I would later publish the image online, I would have laughed in your face.

It’s easy for me to say, and usually easy for me to believe, that I am lovable now. These are the things I’ve learned and done that have helped make it easy.

First, I journaled about why self-love is hard for me

I uncovered some core beliefs I wasn’t fully aware of by journaling. First I wrote, “I love myself. I am lovable.” Then I wrote my reaction to those words:

They don’t feel true. An inner voice immediately says, “No you don’t, and you’re not.” Why not? Because loving yourself is prideful and arrogant, for starters. … Because I’m not producing much that is of value to society or makes a difference.

My conscious mind knows that inner voice is wrong. My subconscious does not. I have a long history of equating my worth with what I do instead of who I am. I think I have to earn love, and the way to do that is to please others, be productive, and generate at least enough income to support myself.

When I’m able to do those things, I feel good about myself and worthy of love. When I’m not, I feel bad and unworthy, because I haven’t done enough to be lovable.

My next journal entry began with this question: “Why do I feel so much shame around the idea that I am lovable and need to remind myself of that?” My answer was,

I see any kind of neediness as unacceptable. I want to be independent, strong, and successful. The irony is that I need to love myself unconditionally to achieve those goals! Also, we all need each other and I enjoy authentic connections with others.

Yet it still seems wrong to see myself as lovable and worthy of love. It seems arrogant and prideful. I still think I should have to do things to earn love.

Those insights led to my next step.

I turned to a Higher Power for help

I knew I couldn’t overcome my belief that I was unlovable on my own, so I asked God for help. This is one prayer I wrote:

Change my heart and transform my mind so I can see myself the way You see me and believe I am lovable just as I am. Help me know that and remind myself of it instead of needing others to constantly reassure me that it’s true.

Occasionally, I wrote God’s answers to the question, “What do You want me to know or do today?” Perhaps I just wrote what I wanted to hear or thought God would say. But the answers I got often surprised me. They contained words like these:

Accept My unconditional love. Believe it. Revel in it. Let Me help you change your negative beliefs about yourself and the world and see the beauty in yourself and all of My creations. …

Let Me transform your mind and your life. You were never meant to do it on your own, and you are not alone! I am with you always. …

Know that you are loved regardless of what you do or fail to do. You will always be My precious, beloved child and My wish for you is that you fully recognize the truth of that. I want you to see yourself and every part of you as sacred and valuable and worthy of love.

I found concrete ways to love myself and reinforce the belief that I am lovable

I have found many ways to show love to and remind myself that I am lovable. Here are some favorites:

1. My phone screen has “My love will not let you down” and a photo of me as a child.

2. I write affirmations like “I am lovable no matter what.”

3. I hug and say “I love you” to a smiling octopus who represents my inner child.

4. I journal and tap each morning and make a gratitude list each night.

5. I sing and dance to Bruce Springsteen songs and concert videos.

6. I walk in the park to admire and photograph the beautiful animals and scenery.

Conclusion: Lessons from my self-love journey

Here are the most important things I’ve learned while working on loving myself. I hope these lessons help you, too.

• Self-love is a never-ending journey, not a destination.

• The journey is always worth taking, no matter how hard it is.

• Exploring what makes it difficult to love yourself provides valuable insights.

• Help from a Higher Power makes it easier.

• Loving yourself is a skill that requires ongoing practice.

• Expect setbacks, take time to rest, and celebrate your progress on the journey.

What helps you love yourself and reminds you that you are lovable? Share your self-love practices in the comments to help other people