Self-Love Is More Important Than Ever Now
These tips from my ongoing journey to love myself may make your journey easier
Martin Luther King Jr. said that only love can drive out hate. There’s a lot of hate in the world right now; clearly, we need more love. But we can’t truly love others unless we love ourselves, and many of us struggle to do that.
I’m sharing things I’ve done that have helped me love myself - like using the above image of me as a child and message of love as my phone’s home screen - with the hope that these tools will help other people love themselves.
In 2021, my therapist asked me to say “I am lovable” during a session. I couldn’t say it. What I said instead was, “Well, I guess I must be lovable, because my husband loves me.” I realized then that I didn’t think I was worthy of love and needed to overcome that limiting belief.
So I printed a photo of me surrounded by affirmations to reinforce the idea that I was lovable. I taped copies to my bedroom wall and bathroom mirror to guarantee that I would see that message multiple times a day. And that no one else would see it.
If you had told me then that I would later publish the image, along with journal entries about why I found it hard to love myself, I would have laughed in your face.
But now it’s relatively easy for me to say and believe that I am lovable. Below are the things I’ve learned and done that have helped me come to embrace the idea that I am lovable. This is the image I never thought I’d share publicly:
What helped me believe that I am lovable
I journaled about why self-love was hard for me
I uncovered some core beliefs I wasn’t fully aware of by journaling. First I wrote, “I love myself. I am lovable.” Then I wrote my reaction to those words:
They don’t feel true. An inner voice immediately says, “No you don’t, and you’re not.” Why not? Because loving yourself is prideful and arrogant, for starters. … Because I’m not producing much that is of value to society or makes a difference.
My conscious mind knows that inner voice is wrong; my subconscious isn’t so sure. I have a long history of equating my worth with what I do instead of who I am. I spend decades thinking I had to earn love, and the way to do that was to please others, be productive, win achievement awards, and make money.
When I did those things, I felt worthy of love. When I couldn’t do them, I felt bad about myself and undeserving of love.
My next journal entry began with this question: “Why do I feel so much shame around the idea that I am lovable and need to remind myself of that?” My answer was,
I see any kind of neediness as unacceptable. I want to be independent, strong, and successful. The irony is that I need to love myself unconditionally to achieve those goals! Also, we all need each other and I enjoy authentic connections with others.
Yet it still seems wrong to see myself as lovable and worthy of love. It seems arrogant and prideful. I still think I should have to do things to earn love.
Those insights led to my next step.
I turned to a Higher Power for help
I knew I couldn’t overcome my belief that I was unlovable on my own, so I asked for Divine help. This is one prayer I wrote:
Change my heart and transform my mind so I can see myself the way You see me and believe I am lovable just as I am. Help me know that and remind myself of it instead of needing others to constantly reassure me that it’s true.
Occasionally, I wrote answers to the question, “What do You want me to know or do today?” Perhaps I just wrote what I thought God* would say. But the answers I got often surprised me. They contained words like these:
Accept My unconditional love. Believe it. Revel in it. Let Me help you change your negative beliefs about yourself and the world and see the beauty in yourself and all of My creations. …
Let Me transform your mind and your life. You were never meant to do it on your own, and you are not alone! I am with you always. …
Know that you are loved regardless of what you do or fail to do. You will always be My precious, beloved child and My wish for you is that you fully recognize the truth of that. I want you to see yourself and every part of you as sacred and valuable and worthy of love.
*I use “God” and many other names to refer to my Higher Power, including Love, Divine Wisdom, Source, Spirit, and SOUL (an acronym for Source Of Unconditional Love that I discovered thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Letters From Love” community).
This practice of writing your Higher Power’s answer to your question may seem strange or feel uncomfortable at first, but as I shared in “Letters From Love” recently:
Over time you will probably find, as I did, that it becomes easier to actually believe that you are loved and worthy of that love. As for thinking you’re not really hearing Love’s voice, but just writing what you long to hear … can you allow for the possibility that you are one expression/channel of Divine Love, so your own words ARE, in fact, Love speaking to you?
Ways I practice self-love now
I have found many ways to love and remind myself that I am lovable. Here are five favorites:
I often ask SOUL what it wants me to know and write its answer
I write daily affirmations like “I am enough” and “I am lovable no matter what”
I hug and say “I love you” to the smiling octopus who represents my inner child
I keep the image of me as a child and promise of love on my phone
I journal and tap** each morning and make a gratitude list each night
**affiliate link to the tapping app I use. If you get it via this link (or the button below), I get a commission at no extra cost to you. You get a 14-day free trial and 50% off.
Key lessons from my self-love journey
Here are the most important things I’ve learned while working on loving myself. I hope these lessons help you, too.
Self-love is a skill that requires ongoing practice
Learning and reinforcing the belief that you are lovable is hard but worth it
Help from a Higher Power makes it easier
Exploring what makes it difficult to love yourself provides valuable insights
Expect obstacles and celebrate progress on your self-love journey
P.S. Want 1:1 support from me as you learn to more fully and unconditionally love yourself? I offer private coaching via Zoom.
P.P.S. I’ve created a self-love workbook that you can get at no cost (enter $0 in the “name a price” field) at https://bit.ly/mylovebook
Beautiful, Wendi. Those are some healing words, not just for you, but for everyone you're sharing them with.