What Do You Want the Most Important People in Your Life to Remember About You?
As I helped grieving families plan funerals and memorial services, I learned some painful truths about their deceased loved ones
As a pastor, I often talked with people about painful experiences they didn’t discuss with anyone else. That was especially true when I met with grieving families to plan funerals and memorial services.
In private conversations, some families shared things their loved ones had said or done that had hurt them deeply. I heard heartbreaking stories of abuse, affairs, addictions, and other harmful behaviors. In many cases, the deceased were people I had known and liked, so those revelations shocked me. It was disturbing to learn that their private lives were so different from their public ones.
Of course, no one is perfect. I’ve made cruel comments to my husband. I’ve done things that would probably shock some people who know me. The issue is not whether we say and do things that hurt others; everyone does. What matters is our willingness to acknowledge, apologize for, and change those behaviors.
The painful memories family members shared with me were painful primarily because their deceased loved ones had never expressed any remorse. If they were confronted about their behavior, they either refused to acknowledge the harm it had caused or blamed the family member for provoking it. They didn’t believe they had done anything wrong or see any need to change their behavior.
It was sad to witness the damage their lack of remorse had inflicted. Grieving a loved one’s death is never easy, but it’s so much harder when that grief is complicated by anger and unhealed wounds.
I hope that when I die, my family and friends will have mostly happy memories of me. I hope they will know that I regret any pain I caused them. I want to be remembered as someone who loved them deeply and expressed my love in ways that were meaningful to them. I want to be remembered for the support and encouragement I provided.
I also want others who knew me to remember me as someone who cared. I want them to see me as a kind and honest person who listened when they needed to talk. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference in their lives.
That’s how I define a life well lived.
I have a refrigerator magnet with a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that expresses a similar sentiment. Here’s an excerpt:
To laugh often and much
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children
… to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better
… to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
That is to have succeeded.
What do you think of that definition? What do you want people to remember about you when you die?