Why Comparisons Are Bad For Our Mental Health

And the one comparison that can be good for it

When you admire beautiful flowers, do you think, “This one’s better because it’s bigger”? Do you say to yourself, “That flower is the best one because it’s the prettiest,” or, “The one that hasn’t fully bloomed yet isn’t as good as the others”?

I doubt you judge flowers that way; I know I don’t. But when it comes to people, that’s a different story. I often compare myself to others and think they are better than me in at least one way. I’m willing to bet you do, too.

Dr. Amber Grooves, a clinical psychologist, recently wrote about comparisons in her wonderful newsletter,

Dr. Amber_Writes

. Here is some of the wisdom she shared:

We use other people as a tool to measure our own worth. Their achievements (or beauty, or children, or wealth, etc.) become a ruler. Sometimes we measure up, and feel relief. More often, we end up feeling like we have fallen short.

From my place as a therapist, I have the privilege of knowing that everyone is comparing themselves to one another and feeling inadequate as a result. And when everyone is thinking that everyone else has it all, or has it all figured out, well…it becomes more clear that really NONE of us have an accurate perception of ourselves and others. No one has it figured out.

It would be a bit comical, if people were not in so much damn pain.

The pain that we cause ourselves by engaging in constant comparison to others is profound. This is not simply a problem of “keeping up with the Joneses” or wanting the newest and fanciest toys that others can afford. I am talking about how social comparison becomes another way to stoke the flame of our insecurities, self-doubts, and shame.  

For more of her wisdom, read the full article here.

Social media certainly makes it easier to feel inferior to others. We see photos of smiling people and read about their fabulous vacations or latest successes. Their lives seem so much better than ours.

But we don’t know about the not-so-good aspects of their lives. Both online and in person, most people don’t mention their painful memories, strained relationships, or business failures. Think about how often you’ve smiled and said you’re fine when you’re not.

And when we do talk about those things we still make comparisons. I have a friend with painful memories and chronic health conditions that make mine seem trivial. When I told her that, she said almost everyone she shares her story with says the same thing.

Why is it bad to see your life as better than others? Doesn’t that make you more grateful for what you have that they don’t? Doesn’t it help you realize that your problems aren’t so bad after all?

Not in my experience. Knowing that others have more serious problems makes me feel ashamed of how hard it is for me to cope with mine. It makes me think I should be able to handle my relatively minor challenges better. I should realize how good my life is compared to theirs and be grateful instead of sad or angry.

For all of these reasons, comparisons are bad for our mental health. I can only think of one possible exception.

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The One Comparison That Can Be Helpful

Comparing who we are and the lives we have now to who we were and how we lived before can be helpful. It can make it easier to see and celebrate the progress we’ve made. It can remind us of what we left behind that we’re better off without and what we have now that we didn’t have then.

When I make that comparison, I feel better. I realize how far I’ve come. My life now isn’t better than it used to be in every way. Financially, I’m worse off. I’m making less than I did in my previous career and spending more on housing and other essentials.

But when I compare my current life to that former life, I’d much rather have the life I have now. No amount of money would be enough to make me want that old life back. I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my freedom or integrity to meet other people’s expectations or gain their approval. I refuse to give up control over how, when, and what kind of work I do in exchange for a steady paycheck.

I know who I am and trust myself to know what’s best for me, so my life and mental health are infinitely better now than they used to be. And comparing my life now to my former life helps me remember that.

When I compare my life to someone else’s, even if I think mine is better, I feel worse. But when I compare it to the life I used to have and think it’s better, I feel grateful. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and the hard work I’ve done. I’m glad my former life is behind me and the one I have now is much closer to the one I want.

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How does your current life compare to your former one? How does it compare to the life you’d like to have?

If you could use some help figuring out how to get from the life you have to the life you want, 1:1 peer support from me could provide the help you need! Schedule a free phone call to learn more here.