Changing Lives Issue #4

Dealing with unwanted changes

Previous newsletters have been about the obstacles we face when we want to make changes and how to overcome them. I’ve talked about the obstacles I usually encounter and shared what I do that helps me get past them and change what is not working in my life.

In this article, I’m focusing on the unwanted changes we all have to deal with at some point in our lives. When we face changes we didn’t choose to make, it can be hard to accept those changes and move on.

Unwanted changes most of us experience

Just in the last two years, I’ve experienced all of these things:

• Unexpected job loss

• Death of a loved one

• Serious illness

I hope you haven’t had to cope with all of these changes within a few months as I did, but they will almost certainly happen during your lifetime. Some may occur multiple times.

What can we do to navigate unwanted changes and successfully transition into new lives that we would not have chosen? I confess that I often do not handle these changes well, but here are a few things I’ve learned to do that help me cope.

Accept that we can’t control what happens

While we can often take steps to increase the likelihood of getting a particular outcome we desire, there are no guarantees in life. Bad things happen when we least expect them.

In addition to the unwelcome changes listed above, we also have to deal with things like cars that won’t start or have flat tires, outdoor events that are rained out, and vacations that get canceled.

All of these things remind us that we can’t control what happens to us. Our carefully planned days can be upended without any advance warning. Accepting that reality is not easy, but it is necessary.

Acknowledge and express your feelings about the change

When I lost my job unexpectedly, I had to pretend I was fine with that and continue working with the people who had decided to get rid of me for two more weeks. They mostly avoided me, but it was still awkward.

I had to comfort others who were sorry to see me go and didn’t understand or agree with that decision. I had to endure a farewell party during which the main person who engineered my departure expressed his gratitude for my service.

Since I also needed to find a new job and a new place to live within a few months, I buried my feelings and did what needed to be done. That was not healthy or wise.

I have learned how important it is to acknowledge my true feelings and find a way to express them. Holding things inside does not work; the emotions eventually surface anyway. I now journal every day, talk or text with close friends, and write online about what’s going on in my life and how I feel about it.

My advice is to do whatever you need to do to let your feelings out. Cry or scream into your pillow. Write a letter to the person who hurt you, then tear it up without sending it. Vent to a therapist or good friend you trust to keep what you share confidential. Join a support group for people who have experienced losses similar to yours.

Focus on the present moment, not painful memories or future worries

This is difficult to do in the aftermath of a traumatic event. It’s easy to be so overwhelmed by grief, hurt, anger, and/or fear that focusing on the present seems impossible. At least that has been my experience.

Unwanted changes can cause us to dwell on what we have lost. We wonder if we could have handled things differently and perhaps kept them from happening. We regret things we said or did and/or think of things we wish we had said or done.

Those changes can also make us worry about the potential consequences. How will we survive financially? How will we adjust to life without a loved one who has always been there for us? How will we live with an illness that takes away or limits our ability to do the activities we enjoy?

There are no easy answers to those questions. What I have learned is that I have to force my brain to focus on the present instead of what I regret about the past or fear will happen in the future.

I do that by engaging in activities that require concentration. I listen to music and pay attention to the lyrics. I go for walks and watch the movements of the animals I see and listen to the sounds they make. I write and edit articles.

I also write letters to God each morning. That’s how I pray, because when I try to pray silently my mind wanders and I can’t stay focused.

What works for me may not work for you. The key is to find ways to distract your mind from dwelling in the past or future and refocus it on the present.

Conclusion

These three strategies help me deal with unwanted changes in my life. I hope they help you too.

Accepting that I can’t control what happens, acknowledging and expressing my feelings, and focusing on the present have all helped me make it through painful losses and embrace the new life waiting for me afterward.

If you have other strategies that work for you, please share them in the comments!