How Do You Hold Space For Yourself?

Simple ways to hold space for ourselves as well as others

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

“Holding space” is usually defined as something we do for someone else. It means to be fully present, actively listen, and be supportive. As emotional wellness and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada explains here,

Holding space for someone means letting them process and express their feelings, remaining there to support them without any judgment or unasked for suggestions.

The article linked above goes on to give some examples of situations in which you might need to hold space for a loved one, then says:

In such situations, they don’t need a caretaker or problem fixer. All they need is someone who can be there for them, patiently listening, in a neutral, open, non-judgmental and attentive manner.

I totally agree with that statement and have been grateful when a friend or family member has held space for me. I’ve also been the one to hold space for someone else, and I am usually honored to be asked and happy to do so.

However, when a friend of mine who is writing an article about holding space asked me to share my thoughts on that subject, I replied with these questions: “What about holding space for ourselves? Isn’t that equally important?”

That led me to reflect on how hard it usually is for me to do for myself what I find easy to do for others. I struggle to listen patiently, attentively, and most of all non-judgmentally to myself.

I’ve definitely gotten better at allowing myself to process and express my feelings, but I often criticize myself later for “overreacting” or being “too sensitive.”

I also would never say the mean things I say to myself to anyone else going through a difficult time!

Can you relate? Do you catch yourself thinking things like, “I should be over this by now,” or “Other people facing more serious challenges are doing a better job of coping with life than I am?”

Maybe you tell yourself you need to “suck it up,” or “grow up.”

If so, you can learn to hold space for yourself instead. It’s a skill that requires constant practice, and one that I don’t think any human is able to fully master or successfully use in every situation.

I still believe it’s a skill well worth the time and effort necessary to learn and use it.

So how do you hold space for yourself? I’m not sure there’s a one-size-fits-all answer to that, but here are some things I do that help me hold space for myself:

• Let the tears flow (or scream into a pillow) instead of suppressing my emotions.

• Journal every morning to process my thoughts and feelings.

• Notice the mean things I think or say about myself and write them down.

• Identify the cognitive distortions present in each mean statement.

• Write a new statement that is more accurate.

• Repeat that new statement often, both in writing and verbally.

• Envision the life I want and move in that direction even if others disapprove.

What about you? What do you (or could you) do to hold space for yourself? Please share your ideas in the comments. You never know how many others might benefit from trying them!