Moving Beyond Either/Or Thinking
About mental health, people, and life in general
Today started horribly. The auto repair shop notified my husband that when they put in the new alternator our car required they found other parts that also had to be replaced immediately. What was originally a $600 bill would now be $1500.
I had an emotional meltdown that quickly spiraled into thoughts like, “I can’t even cope with the challenges in my life. Who am I to think I can help anyone else cope with theirs?”
Thankfully, that downward spiral didn’t last as long as some others have. I reminded myself of all of the challenges I’ve made it through so far, and of how much progress I’ve made on my mental health journey. I realized that one meltdown did not mean I’m a total mess with no wisdom to share that can help others.
That led me to think about how easy it is to think in binary terms about many other things. We categorize people as either sick (ill, either acutely or chronically) or well (healthy), but no one is entirely either. Health, like just about everything else, exists on a continuum.
I used to draw sharp distinctions between times when I was severely depressed and other times when I was “normal.” Substack newsletters like
, , and by (who I’ll be interviewing next week about her new book The Artist’s Mind) and medical and mental health professionals like Dr. Richard Schwartz and Dr. Gabor Maté have helped me see that as a false dichotomy.I also used to classify people (especially some well-known politicians and other public figures) as either cruel or kind. I confess that I still see a few as purely cruel based on their public statements and actions. But they probably have friends, family members, and/or pets who think they are kind. I also recognize that even though I see myself as kind, and most people who know me probably do too, there are times when I can be (and have been) cruel.
Finally, I used to think of life as either good or bad, and people as either successful or struggling. I’m much more aware now that there are moments of pure joy or calmness during the most painful and challenging times. There are moments of deep grief or intense anger during the best and happiest times. And everyone is successful in some areas of life but struggling in others.
There are few absolutes in life. People are too complex to be reduced to simple binaries. So are health, success, and just about everything else. It’s tempting to sort people into categories and conclude we are superior or inferior to them. We focus on one thing, like their job title, financial situation, opinion about a specific issue, skin color, immigration status, sexual orientation, or gender identity, and we sort them accordingly. We wrongly assume that one thing tells us everything we need to know to accurately judge them and predict their beliefs and behavior.
Sometimes we do the same thing to ourselves. At least I do, and I’m guessing others do, too. I make sweeping generalizations about myself based on a single incident or aspect of my life. That’s what I did this morning when I concluded my emotional meltdown proved that I could not deal with my life, much less help anyone else deal with theirs. It’s what I do when I think I’ll never be a successful writer because I’m not yet earning enough to pay all of my living expenses solely by writing. It’s what I do during my most severe bouts of depression when I’m convinced life will never get better and there is nothing I can do to change that.
The truth is that everyone has good and bad days (or moments within any given day). We all say and do kind things we are proud of, and cruel things we later regret. Some aspects of our lives are healthier and more satisfying than others. There are times when we listen to our inner wisdom, take care of ourselves, and make good decisions, and times when we listen to our inner critic, ignore our needs and desires, and do what other people want us to.
And we discover through trial and error what is truly best for us, start to do those things more often, and learn to love ourselves even when we don’t.
So true - I had received some awful news a few weeks back in it reflected in my interactions throughout the day - it wasn't because I am rude or anything but I couldn't focus on anything else but the news...
So beautifully said, Wendi. This is really important to remember.
I do the same thing, beating myself up because I'm such a loser, or "always" make mistakes, or "never" learn. It's good to be reminded to apply a little nuance, and remember there are good days and bad days, and nobody's perfect.