Self-Love Is a Never-Ending Journey

Insights from my self-love journey that may make yours easier

Image credit: Wendi Gordon, created in Canva

Note: An earlier version of this article was published here.

I chose to write about how my struggle to love myself because I think many of you can relate.

When I created the image above, I was horrified at the thought of anyone else seeing it. I was also shocked when I couldn’t bring myself to say “I am lovable” out loud, even in the privacy of my therapist’s office! It was obvious that I need to keep practicing what I preach.

This is the inside story of my self-love journey, what I have learned along the way, and the steps I continue to take to remind myself that I am lovable.

First, I journaled about why self-love is hard for me

I uncovered some core beliefs I wasn’t fully aware of by journaling. First I wrote, “I love myself. I am lovable.” Then I wrote about my reaction to those words:

They don’t feel true. An inner voice immediately says, “No you don’t, and you’re not.” Why not? Because loving yourself is prideful and arrogant, for starters. … Because I’m not producing much that is of value to society or makes a difference.

At an intellectual level, I know those statements aren’t true. Down deep, though, it’s a different story. I have a long history of equating my worth with what I do instead of who I am. I think I have to earn love by helping others, being productive, and generating at least enough income to support myself.

When I’m successful at doing those things I feel good about myself and think I am worthy of love. When I’m not, I conclude that I am a failure. I focus on all the ways I don’t measure up.

My next journal entry began with this question: “Why do I feel so much shame around the idea that I am lovable and need to remind myself of that?” My answer was,

I see any kind of neediness as unacceptable. I want to be independent, strong, and successful. The irony is that I need to love myself unconditionally to achieve those goals! Also, we all need each other and I enjoy authentic connections with others.

Yet it still seems wrong to see myself as lovable and worthy of love. It seems arrogant and prideful. I still think I should have to do things to earn love.

Those insights led to my next step.

I turned to a Higher Power for help

I knew I couldn’t overcome my belief that I was unlovable on my own, so I asked God to help me. Much of my journaling consists of written prayers, and this was one of them:

Change my heart and transform my mind so I can see myself the way You see me and believe I am lovable just as I am. Help me know that and remind myself of it instead of needing others to constantly reassure me that it’s true.

Occasionally, I also write God’s response to this question: “What do You want me to know or do today?” Here’s one example:

Accept My unconditional love. Believe it. Revel in it. Let Me help you change your negative beliefs about yourself and the world and see the beauty in yourself and all of My creations. …

Let Me transform your mind and your life. You were never meant to do it on your own, and you are not alone! I am with you always. …

Know that you are loved regardless of what you do or fail to do. You will always be My precious, beloved child and My wish for you is that you fully recognize the truth of that. I want you to see yourself and every part of you as sacred and valuable and worthy of love.

Maybe I’m just writing what I want to hear, or what I think God would say, but I don’t think so. The responses are very different from what I normally write and often surprise me. I believe God is truly speaking to me, encouraging me, and revealing the next steps on my self-love journey.

Finally, I reinforced the message that I am lovable

I have learned that the only way to counter the belief that I am not worthy of love is to continually remind myself I am lovable and work on loving myself. Here are some ways I do that:

1. This article’s title image is now the wallpaper on my iPhone, iPad, and laptop. That ensures I get visual reminders that I am lovable every day.

2. At night when I go to bed I write affirmations like “I am lovable.”

3. I talk to friends and write online about my struggle to love myself and the positive steps I am taking to change that.

4. I read books and articles about self-love and related topics.

5. I meet with a therapist to continue exploring why self-love is so hard for me, and do things he suggests like writing a letter to my inner child.

Conclusion: Lessons from my self-love journey

Here are the most important things I’ve learned while working on loving myself. I hope these lessons help you, too.

• Self-love is a never-ending journey, not a final destination.

• The journey can be painful and difficult but is still worth taking.

• Exploring why self-love is hard provides valuable insights.

• Help from a Higher Power makes a big difference.

• Learning to love yourself is a process that takes a lot of practice.

• It’s important to celebrate progress and expect setbacks along the way.

How is your self-love journey going? What do you do to remind yourself you are lovable? Please share your experience and the practices you find most helpful in the comments.

Special note to all of last year’s subscribers and anyone who becomes a paid subscriber in the future: I’m in the process of creating a digital self-love toolkit that you will receive as a free thank-you gift. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.