Sometimes We Need to Look Back in Order to Move Forward
Constantly focusing on the past isn't helpful, but revisiting it occasionally can be
One common piece of self-help advice is “Don’t look back.” A website full of quotes on that subject includes this one attributed to Hillary Clinton: “Every moment wasted looking back keeps us from moving forward.”
I disagree. While constantly dwelling on the past and what we wish we could change about it is harmful, looking back periodically can be quite beneficial. Just imagine what would happen if you drove and never looked in your rearview mirror or turned your head to check for approaching cars when changing lanes!
The website mentioned above also shares a quote attributed to George Washington, who said we ought not to look back “unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors and for the purpose of profiting by dear bought experience.”
I agree that we can derive useful lessons from past errors and profit from previous experiences, both our own and those of others. Here are some examples of ways that can happen:
When we remember difficult times we survived in the past, it becomes easier to believe we will make it through our current challenging circumstances.
When we want to change negative beliefs we have about ourselves, it often helps to identify specific childhood experiences that led to those beliefs.
When we are searching for a new job or volunteer opportunity, it helps to reflect on the knowledge and skills we have gained from prior work, as well as what we liked or disliked about previous jobs.
When we enter a new relationship, our past experiences can teach us what we want in a partner, the traits or behaviors we find unacceptable, and how our own baggage might affect the relationship.
When we talk with others who have been through something similar to what we are currently facing, we can benefit from their wisdom and understanding.
When we learn from history - both our own and the world’s - we can avoid making the same mistakes (or at least identify and correct them sooner).
What would you add to this list? How has looking back at your past experiences, or talking with someone else about theirs, helped you? Please share your thoughts in the comments so we can all benefit from your wisdom!
I do believe looking back has helped me put into perspective how I can help myself navigate problems within myself, as well as with other people. For example, I was talking to a consult group of two other counselors today. We meet once a month to discuss difficult cases of people who we are counseling. I was telling them that since I am retiring from counseling at the end of July 2022, I have been reflecting on what I learned the past 21 years I have been in the counseling field.
I would say the chief things I have learned in working with people in counseling is to have patience, and to give them loving space, to first try to learn Self Acceptance, instead of constant judging themselves for what they have done wrong. And if they are looking at the past to use the past to clobber/blame themselves or clobber/blame others, that I believe is too negative an approach. Sure if they need to express anger or hurt towards insensitive, parents, teachers, friends, wives, husbands, or others I taught them a way to state those feelings, and then over a period of grieving, finally let those feelings go so that they can heal.
I believe God and many saints I have "talked" to in my meditations have helped me create a loving space for others in counseling, and for myself over the past 22 years. My loving space happens to be in my heart. Recently, I found my inner voice arguing with God because I was finding I was struggling to forgive a close friend. Finally, after tears and feeling love in my heart once again for my close friend, I let my anger dissolve in the love I felt from God.
The Body Keeps Score is a book I recently read. Present events can trigger stored memories and the feelings associated with them. Recently I was going through pictures and stumbled upon one of me on my first wedding day! Lots has happened since then, divorce and remarriage. In fact it was 52 years ago but it triggered the joy I felt that day pure joy without all the baggage of what has happened between. Quick memory and back to the present but it stirred in me the memory and feeling of joy. Joy is not dead in me in spite of life's current circumstances. What a great learning!