Some people dread Valentine’s Day. It’s a painful reminder that they don’t have the romantic partner they long for. I have a wonderful partner who deeply loves me, but I’ve learned that self-love is more important than any other kind.
That’s why we need to celebrate self-love at least as much as we celebrate romantic love or any other kind. As Whitney Houston sang so beautifully:
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me …
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
(“The Greatest Love of All,” song lyrics written by Linda Creed and Michael Masser)
We are the only people we spend every moment of every day with. We are more intimately familiar with our thoughts, emotions, and desires than anyone else is.
Our relationships with ourselves affect our happiness and well-being more than any other relationship possibly could. And when we love ourselves unconditionally we are much better at loving others, too.
But if you’re anything like me, you often find it easier to love others than to love yourself. So I’m sharing my self-love journey with the hope that the practices that help me love myself will help you, too.
Note: This is an edited version of an earlier post I wrote more than a year ago. I still do many of these things, and am in the process of creating a self-love workbook with more information about these and other practices I recommend As I continue to work on my relationship with myself, I’m getting much better at self-love.
When I created the image above, I was horrified at the thought of anyone else seeing it. I was also shocked when I couldn’t bring myself to say “I am lovable” out loud, even in the privacy of my therapist’s office! It was obvious that I need to keep practicing what I preach.
This is the inside story of my self-love journey, what I have learned along the way, and the steps I continue to take to remind myself that I am lovable.
First, I journaled about why self-love is hard for me
I uncovered some core beliefs I wasn’t fully aware of by journaling. First I wrote, “I love myself. I am lovable.” Then I wrote about my reaction to those words:
They don’t feel true. An inner voice immediately says, “No you don’t, and you’re not.” Why not? Because loving yourself is prideful and arrogant, for starters. … Because I’m not producing much that is of value to society or makes a difference.
At an intellectual level, I know those statements aren’t true. Down deep, though, it’s a different story. I have a long history of equating my worth with what I do instead of who I am. I think I have to earn love by helping others, being productive, and generating at least enough income to support myself.
When I’m successful at doing those things I feel good about myself and think I am worthy of love. When I’m not, I conclude that I am a failure. I focus on all the ways I don’t measure up.
My next journal entry began with this question: “Why do I feel so much shame around the idea that I am lovable and need to remind myself of that?” My answer was,
I see any kind of neediness as unacceptable. I want to be independent, strong, and successful. The irony is that I need to love myself unconditionally to achieve those goals! Also, we all need each other and I enjoy authentic connections with others.
Yet it still seems wrong to see myself as lovable and worthy of love. It seems arrogant and prideful. I still think I should have to do things to earn love.
Those insights led to my next step.
I turned to a Higher Power for help
I knew I couldn’t overcome my belief that I was unlovable on my own, so I asked God to help me. Much of my journaling consists of written prayers, and this was one of them:
Change my heart and transform my mind so I can see myself the way You see me and believe I am lovable just as I am. Help me know that and remind myself of it instead of needing others to constantly reassure me that it’s true.
Occasionally, I also write God’s response to this question: “What do You want me to know or do today?” Here’s one example:
Accept My unconditional love. Believe it. Revel in it. Let Me help you change your negative beliefs about yourself and the world and see the beauty in yourself and all of My creations. …
Let Me transform your mind and your life. You were never meant to do it on your own, and you are not alone! I am with you always. …
Know that you are loved regardless of what you do or fail to do. You will always be My precious, beloved child and My wish for you is that you fully recognize the truth of that. I want you to see yourself and every part of you as sacred and valuable and worthy of love.
Maybe I’m just writing what I want to hear, or what I think God would say, but I don’t think so. The responses are very different from what I normally write and often surprise me. I believe God is truly speaking to me, encouraging me, and revealing the next steps on my self-love journey.
Note: I still ask that question, but I ask “Love” instead of “God.”
’s “Letters From Love” Substack shares her own and others’ responses from Love to the same question. It did not exist when I originally wrote this and I encourage you to check it out!Finally, I reinforced the message that I am lovable
I have learned that the only way to counter the belief that I am not worthy of love is to continually remind myself I am lovable and work on loving myself. Here are some ways I do that:
This article’s title image is now the wallpaper on my iPhone, iPad, and laptop. That ensures I get visual reminders that I am lovable every day.
At night when I go to bed I write affirmations like “I am lovable.”
I talk and write about my struggle to love myself and the positive steps I am taking to change that.
I read books and articles about self-love and related topics.
I meet with a therapist to continue exploring why self-love is so hard for me, and do things he suggests like writing a letter to my inner child.
Conclusion: Lessons from my self-love journey
Here are the most important things I’ve learned while working on loving myself. I hope these lessons help you, too.
Self-love is a never-ending journey, not a final destination.
The journey can be painful and difficult but is still worth taking.
Exploring why self-love is hard provides valuable insights.
Help from a Higher Power makes a big difference.
Tools that help us love ourselves are more effective when we use them often.
It’s important to celebrate progress and expect setbacks on the self-love journey.
Do you struggle to love yourself at times? What do you do to remind yourself you are lovable? Please share your experience and the practices you find most helpful in the comments!
Such a good one. Thanks for sharing it again. :)
Thanks for sharing this article again. Affirmations are very helpful to me. I do write them down in my journal. Also I try to remember daily that my loved ones have their own relationship to God- (and some of them have a therapist). By remembering that my loved ones have their relationship to God, I then feel free enough to let go of worrying about them. It is also helpful to me that they have their own therapist, so I don't have to worry about them. For myself, I have a time I connect with God every day, which quite helpful. Today I had a massage therapy appointment. I was so proud of myself, spoiling myself by getting massage therapy. It was so relaxing.