Great writing and piece, Wendi. Grateful we connected during Office Hours yesterday. As someone in long-term recovery, I can attest to the power of open, honest and frequent sharing. I'd wanted friends my whole life and I sought them out in unseemly places. Then one day back in 2008, I walked into a room of recovering alcoholics and knew I'd found my tribe.
Important reminder. Yes, only through feeling safe enough to share with complete openness have my wounds transformed. I had a 14 year grief journey taken with full commitment to going into, not "getting over" or "coping". It was my most profound teacher and transformation so far, sacred for the high price paid to have it.
Thank you for sharing your experience of transforming your wounds by openly sharing them, Diane. I’m trying to allow myself to fully explore my wounds without rushing to get over them, or cope with them by distracting myself from noticing the pain they still cause.
Yes! That is the way for me too. Not just sharing but exploring. I remember I unintentionally alarmed one of my close friends when I spent several hours on the 1 year anniversary of my partner's death at the cemtery sitting on her grave covered in a cloth of for privavcy. I used to go to a local Catholic monestery for Taize prayer or other times open (not during mass) and sit in the alcove with stautes of the Blessed Mother kneeling and weeping. I would be sure to spend silent and solitary retreats (I love monestaries) going deep into the wound. And of course all the other things too -- such a s Spirtual Direction and learning self-inquiry etc...
I say all this because I find it so rare in the grief liturature to address the importance of going All In.
At least to me. Profound wounds are NOT about learning to "cope" (though of course coping with tasks of life has its importance) but rather profound wounds transcend our ability to "Cope" in the normal "models" we set up. This culture is profoundly lacking in understanding that "deep calls to deep"
Robert Grant's book "The Way of the Wound" was an important guide for me
Thanks for the book recommendation, and I agree our culture is profoundly lacking in understanding and often fails to support people processing deep wounds. Toxic positivity and the emphasis on instant results makes life harder.
Yes, I can agree that I have wounds. Some of them are partially healed and other wounds of mine need more healing. I have been feeling grief lately about a friend who seems discouraged. I have been supportive to him yesterday. However today I needed time by myself to reflect on what I need. I try to make sure I keep my boundaries to gather my strength, and renew myself after being supportive to someone else.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Laura. I am glad you recognized your need for time by yourself to focus on your needs. We all need time apart from meeting the demands of others to experience renewal and avoid burnout.
I attended a wonderful online workshop yesterday that helped me identify three values I want to focus on in this season of my life, and one thing the presenter encouraged us to do was block out three 2 hour windows each week dedicated solely to doing what we wanted or needed to do for ourselves, and not let the demands of others interrupt that time unless it was a true emergency.
Thank you Wendi! I just talked to a friend about doing just that kind of self renewal. and Actually that has in the past gone a long way to healing my wounds in the past. I am glad you got that information. You are really helping people by doing this writing. Keep it up! Thanks for your wisdom!
Yes, we all have unhealed wounds, especially in our society which is largely ignorant of such things, and so inadvertently causes them. Yes, sharing and being authentic and vulnerable has helped me a lot. And yes, reading things which can seem to have been written about yourself can be very healing, knowing you are not alone, and understanding yourself. Healing Development Trauma by Laurence Heller was the biggest one of these for me.
Oh my gosh, yes. I can relate to so much of this article ... the feeling like a fraud; knowing all kinds of steps and sharing them with others, then forgetting them when it's time to apply them to myself.
Yup, I think it's more common than we realize. We all stumble, we all have bad days, we all forget to do the things we know we should do. And then we get up again and keep moving forward ... :)
Thanks for chiming in, Roshana. I think it helps all of us feel less like impostors when we each admit that we have those feelings too, and don’t always practice what we preach, even though we know it works.
Hello! I read this newsletter with interest not so much because of my unhealed wounds, but because of my healed wounds. My substack - My Own Private Waste Land - may interest you, as it deals with deep dive into mental illness, from my memoir. I'm seeking support for my efforts as I've querying agents for traditional publication. I hope you enjoy it!
Just out of curiosity, why are you trying to get your work accepted by a traditional publisher? The very few writers I know who managed to do that chose to self-publish subsequent books, since the traditional publishers did nothing to market their books and the writers also wanted editorial control over their work.
I self-published a book years ago, and if I write another one will do the same.
Hi Wendi - Thanks for subscribing. My book is very much tied to T. S. Eliot's The Waste Land, so it's definitely built for an audience who knows that work. It's highly allusive and literary, and has a bit of the academic to it as well. It can be read without knowing those things, but it was written with that audience in mind. So I want to give it a chance in the marketplace. I see it in a similar way to Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes. He spent his life teaching and didn't have time to write. When he retired, he told his story. That's very similar to my path. So that's the reason. If I don't get any bites after a period of time, I'll definitely go the self-publishing route. I set out to be a writer long ago, in a more traditional way than the self-publishing world that exists today. I at least owe it to myself to try.
Absolutely, if the more traditional route is the route you want, you should go for it! I was just curious, since you’re the first writer I’ve encountered who wanted to go that route. I hope it works for you.
I talk and share about healing all the time Wendi. I share my own journey to inspire in them the beginning of their own. I know each and every one of us has wounds that are invisible to the world. And some people look like nothing could ever take them down.
I know that's not true. Each one of us has our own pace of healing and this journey will be a very personal one. I wrote a poem on a similar topic that shares hope - Perhaps The World Will Be a Better Place.
Great writing and piece, Wendi. Grateful we connected during Office Hours yesterday. As someone in long-term recovery, I can attest to the power of open, honest and frequent sharing. I'd wanted friends my whole life and I sought them out in unseemly places. Then one day back in 2008, I walked into a room of recovering alcoholics and knew I'd found my tribe.
Thanks, Carol. I’m grateful we connected too. So glad you found your tribe!
Important reminder. Yes, only through feeling safe enough to share with complete openness have my wounds transformed. I had a 14 year grief journey taken with full commitment to going into, not "getting over" or "coping". It was my most profound teacher and transformation so far, sacred for the high price paid to have it.
Thank you for sharing your experience of transforming your wounds by openly sharing them, Diane. I’m trying to allow myself to fully explore my wounds without rushing to get over them, or cope with them by distracting myself from noticing the pain they still cause.
Yes! That is the way for me too. Not just sharing but exploring. I remember I unintentionally alarmed one of my close friends when I spent several hours on the 1 year anniversary of my partner's death at the cemtery sitting on her grave covered in a cloth of for privavcy. I used to go to a local Catholic monestery for Taize prayer or other times open (not during mass) and sit in the alcove with stautes of the Blessed Mother kneeling and weeping. I would be sure to spend silent and solitary retreats (I love monestaries) going deep into the wound. And of course all the other things too -- such a s Spirtual Direction and learning self-inquiry etc...
I say all this because I find it so rare in the grief liturature to address the importance of going All In.
At least to me. Profound wounds are NOT about learning to "cope" (though of course coping with tasks of life has its importance) but rather profound wounds transcend our ability to "Cope" in the normal "models" we set up. This culture is profoundly lacking in understanding that "deep calls to deep"
Robert Grant's book "The Way of the Wound" was an important guide for me
Thanks for the book recommendation, and I agree our culture is profoundly lacking in understanding and often fails to support people processing deep wounds. Toxic positivity and the emphasis on instant results makes life harder.
Yes, I can agree that I have wounds. Some of them are partially healed and other wounds of mine need more healing. I have been feeling grief lately about a friend who seems discouraged. I have been supportive to him yesterday. However today I needed time by myself to reflect on what I need. I try to make sure I keep my boundaries to gather my strength, and renew myself after being supportive to someone else.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Laura. I am glad you recognized your need for time by yourself to focus on your needs. We all need time apart from meeting the demands of others to experience renewal and avoid burnout.
I attended a wonderful online workshop yesterday that helped me identify three values I want to focus on in this season of my life, and one thing the presenter encouraged us to do was block out three 2 hour windows each week dedicated solely to doing what we wanted or needed to do for ourselves, and not let the demands of others interrupt that time unless it was a true emergency.
Thank you Wendi! I just talked to a friend about doing just that kind of self renewal. and Actually that has in the past gone a long way to healing my wounds in the past. I am glad you got that information. You are really helping people by doing this writing. Keep it up! Thanks for your wisdom!
Thanks Laura!
Yes, we all have unhealed wounds, especially in our society which is largely ignorant of such things, and so inadvertently causes them. Yes, sharing and being authentic and vulnerable has helped me a lot. And yes, reading things which can seem to have been written about yourself can be very healing, knowing you are not alone, and understanding yourself. Healing Development Trauma by Laurence Heller was the biggest one of these for me.
Welcome, Gary, and thanks for commenting. I also appreciate your book recommendation!
Oh my gosh, yes. I can relate to so much of this article ... the feeling like a fraud; knowing all kinds of steps and sharing them with others, then forgetting them when it's time to apply them to myself.
Yup, I think it's more common than we realize. We all stumble, we all have bad days, we all forget to do the things we know we should do. And then we get up again and keep moving forward ... :)
Thanks for chiming in, Roshana. I think it helps all of us feel less like impostors when we each admit that we have those feelings too, and don’t always practice what we preach, even though we know it works.
Hello! I read this newsletter with interest not so much because of my unhealed wounds, but because of my healed wounds. My substack - My Own Private Waste Land - may interest you, as it deals with deep dive into mental illness, from my memoir. I'm seeking support for my efforts as I've querying agents for traditional publication. I hope you enjoy it!
Thanks, Lee. I did subscribe to your newsletter.
Just out of curiosity, why are you trying to get your work accepted by a traditional publisher? The very few writers I know who managed to do that chose to self-publish subsequent books, since the traditional publishers did nothing to market their books and the writers also wanted editorial control over their work.
I self-published a book years ago, and if I write another one will do the same.
Hi Wendi - Thanks for subscribing. My book is very much tied to T. S. Eliot's The Waste Land, so it's definitely built for an audience who knows that work. It's highly allusive and literary, and has a bit of the academic to it as well. It can be read without knowing those things, but it was written with that audience in mind. So I want to give it a chance in the marketplace. I see it in a similar way to Frank McCourt's Angela's Ashes. He spent his life teaching and didn't have time to write. When he retired, he told his story. That's very similar to my path. So that's the reason. If I don't get any bites after a period of time, I'll definitely go the self-publishing route. I set out to be a writer long ago, in a more traditional way than the self-publishing world that exists today. I at least owe it to myself to try.
Absolutely, if the more traditional route is the route you want, you should go for it! I was just curious, since you’re the first writer I’ve encountered who wanted to go that route. I hope it works for you.
I talk and share about healing all the time Wendi. I share my own journey to inspire in them the beginning of their own. I know each and every one of us has wounds that are invisible to the world. And some people look like nothing could ever take them down.
I know that's not true. Each one of us has our own pace of healing and this journey will be a very personal one. I wrote a poem on a similar topic that shares hope - Perhaps The World Will Be a Better Place.
https://medium.com/hope-healing-and-humour/perhaps-the-world-will-be-a-better-place-2f3c93c119ac
Thanks for this newsletter :)
Neha